Craziness Unleashed…
Quietness has escaped most of my days…seems like I have barley enough time to breath. Sleep seems so far away during the day…then night comes to me and just when I think my body has exuded all my pent up energy, my mind rewinds over the days that I have simply lost due to so much chaos. ”Where am I?” I ask my self as I am laying my weary head down on my gazillion pillows that don’t seem right. I keep adjusting them thinking maybe this time will do the trick. I fail again. My mind wanders on my children far and near…here and in heaven. How time can be so kind and how time can be so cruel. Every moment unfolds in my mind as I try and recapture moments of time spent with loved ones that melt my soul to the core of my being. Memories flood, as I miss my eldest son Christopher who died almost five years ago. The pain is so real. His birthday is May 18th. I see my other children missing him, Rebeccah, Anthony and Grace suffer the most. I sit and night these last few weeks while Tim and Grace are in the hospital and think about all these things. Sleep does elude me. Grace says she talks to Chris and God and has no problem sleeping. Ahhh…out of the mouths of babes.
To be child like to have that innocence. The pure bliss of not knowing what I know.
Raising eight children is amazing. I want more. I love children. Children just seem to make sense. I cannot ever fathom not having a house filled to the brim. Too see their eyes filled with hope and wonder…to see their passion for life. Too see the wonders of the world through their eyes…it takes my breath away…see this is what I think about when I am lying on my mounds of pillows. 3am comes quickly…I shut my eyes…put my arm out looking for my lover…he is with Gracie in Hershey, PA…I sleep until 6am and am running again. Little Reignah is diabetic, lots of doctor appointments. Kadi is 16, lots of Doctor appointments this week. Beccah 12 foot surgery last week…follow up this week…my mom has two doctor appoinmets this week….I have 5 this week for myself. I do them all. Sleep still does not come easily.
I wonder how I do it sometimes? Am I a freak of nature? Am I just strong in God? What makes me keep going through all of this? I can still smile, still find humor and still find passion for life. I know I am just rambling away but it does a mind good to just unload and I guess I just wanted to unload.
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