It is good to gain the competency needed to function in life and society, yet as the old saying goes, “no one is an island” – we need to recognize and value our interdependence on others. Within the church, we call that “fellowship” and within society we call that “community.” And it is what is necessary not only for each individual to reach their maximum potential but for the society as a whole to grow and thrive.

Easy to say and to teach – harder to live by. There is that saying “it is better to give than receive” and many of us believe that and find much joy in giving. Yet how could we give and experience that joy as a giver if there was no one to receive? And how arrogant is it to say, “I only want to be the giver, I never want to be the receiver?” yet that is what some of us, myself included, so frequently do. When we decline to be on the receiving end, we deny others the opportunity, blessing and joy of giving. Is that really fair?

Again, easy to say – harder to live by. For me, as the oldest child in the family, I was a perfectionist and over-achiever. I got bad grades in first grade – first grade! Yet when I went home with that report card, I saw the deep disappointment on my parents’ faces and never wanted to repeat that. So from that point on, I sent my mind on getting all “A’s” and I almost always did succeed and when, on a rare occasion, I got a “B” I felt like a failure. In Girl Scouts, I had to earn the most badges – I was almost obsessive about it. So from an early age, I pushed myself and never wanted to depend on others or be a disappointment.

As my husband and I made our choices about the kind of family and we were going to create, and as our family grew and grew and we also started an agency where we were the “leader and visionary” my natural inclination to be an overachiever was also combined with a fear of showing any weakness. I found that we often encountered two kinds of responses people would have to our family. One was to “revere” us – to essentially put us on a pedestal and tell us we are so wonderful for what we do, etc. The other was to doubt us, be suspicious of our motives and almost seem to be lurking and waiting for us to fail so they could say “See, I told you so.” I never felt I could be my real true self with either group, nor did I dare to ask for help because it would only prove the naysayers right and those that put us on a pedestal wouldn’t feel they knew how to help. And so, as my good friend Judy once pointed out to me, I developed a bad case of “terminal uniqueness” where I felt alone and isolated and like no one could relate to me at all. This only fueled my need to be super independent and successful.

And then, on the rare times when I did reach out for help, I can SOOOOOO relate to Chelle’s sentence here : “On the other hand I have begged for some help and have heard many times I am busy, not today, I am sorry but I am swamped…so then I think I am a bother. So then I form this “oh Jeeze” syndrome and think I am not asking anyone else.” Oh man, oh man is that me!!!!

So to me, healthy dependency is first and foremost a dependence on God and an honest assessment of myself as a person who is both competent (in some areas) and needy (in others) and that is OK. To recognize that I do have gifts, but also shortcomings and that God knows and sees both sides of me and loves me anyway. And when and if I can actually see myself in this light – in God’s eyes, then I am able to give more freely (no strings attached, with joy and not conditions) and also receive more freely (without guilt or feeling like a failure). I think I hit that balance once in a while, but it is always a struggle.

Also, I try to be the kind of person that just sees a need and initiates doing something about it. So I also tend to expect that others will just “see” when I need something and offer or initiate or volunteer to help and that I shouldn’t have to actually “ask” for help. And so if I have a need and no one “steps up” to offer to help, in a situation where – were the tables reversed I would have offered to help that person – then I have a tendency to get resentful – “why isn’t this person seeing my need and offering to help?” I ask myself rather than actually asking for the help I need. And yet as the Bible says, “You have not because you ask not.” I need to get better at learning to ask and not feeling put upon if people just don’t automatically know how and when to help me. So that, too, is healthy dependency, the ability to humby and graciously ask for help.

OK, so I don’t know if I have answered the question at all but thanks for letting me ramble, it was actually good for me to get some of these thoughts on paper!

I can totally relate to parts of what everyone has posted. It is hard to ask for help, but I think that we all do need to have some kind of support system of people who are willing to help us out and that we can reciprocate with.

I don’t have any family here, so I have a few friends that I know that I can call to help me out. They know that I don’t ask unless I really need help, though.

In fact, I just had to call one friend to pick up Nick because I couldn’t be in two places at once, and my need fell on a day that dh was tied up in a very important meeting.

I have also ended a friendship once because I was in an urgent situation and called a friend to help me with Nick. She told me she couldn’t wake her sleeping 5-year-old to get him from school. Dh was out of town and I was at the hospital with Carleigh.

Chelle, with all that you have going on, you absolutely need help sometimes. Don’t be afraid to ask for it and let some things slide!

So my answer is that delegating is good, and racking up brownie points if you have guilt about asking for help, makes you feel better about asking!! (though my friends would do anything for me, so I do know they are there for me, brownie points or not!!)

Hey…maybe these boards are a form of Healthy Dependency!