Womens-Place

Five years ago this month, the Womens-Place community mourned with Chelle and Tim as they tragically lost their son, Christopher. Chris was only 16-years-old at the time, and his death left a mark on the hearts of hundreds and hundreds of individuals, many of whom he had never even met.

(This was written 5 years ago today) On the first anniversary of his loss, his mom Chelle bravely opens up with all of us and shares some of her very deep thoughts and emotions.

I do not think I can understand where the time has gone. My mind has been literally shut down for months. I cope with what must be coped with, because it involves my family. Chris, I miss you so much and will never understand the “why” of it all. Each breath I take is a bit better than the last, but oh, how I miss you. I miss your laugh and your smile. I crave the sound of your voice, to hear you once again would be a treasure.

I find myself currently in a little funk of sadness. I am not sad like I was months ago, but with an inner sadness that is almost a healing sadness. Knowing that I will never see Chris again is a deep inner pain, and no emotion I have is enough to express it. My mind is constantly searching for some measure of emotion that will satisfy the pain I am feeling. It is always stirring like waves crashing on the beach. If I am not proactive, erosion will happen, so I am constantly doing something to make sure I keep my emotional beach intact. I have not yet found what I am looking for, and I may never find it. In fact I know I will never find it. It is the craziest thing to know there are no answers for what has happened, but as humans we still search for that one thing that may change our whole outlook. I am finding I am not very predictable, in fact I hate being predictable, which is why I am fighting to live and to bring justice to my son’s death thereby exposing the lies of suicide.

I wish I could have been more for you, Chris. I wish I could have been all that you needed. I did my best, and I do not blame myself. I feel for the people who misled you, and I pray for their souls. I cannot understand to this day why these people did what they did. You too made a choice, son, a choice to die and leave us. I understand why, I just will never really KNOW why. I do not think for a moment you wanted to die. Your family misses you, and I am sure you have had glimpses of our sadness. I know you are with God the Father, but it does not change the fact that it hurts so much that you are gone. We are fighting the tough fight and will bring light to the darkness with our strength and our hope in the Lord!

Losing a child like we did is a horrendous sick feeling that steals your hopes and dreams. No one can fathom the loss we feel if they have not lost a child to suicide. It is a terrible way to lose your child. People we were previously close to have taken on a whole new persona, and it is the strangest feeling. Chris, I think you would be shocked at who is left in our lives. Some of our close friends are now a distant memory, as they do not understand how or why we have changed. We have every right to have changed and be a mess, and I am sure I am different now but some cannot see why.

We are coming up on some firsts that Chris would be doing right now, and some do not understand how hard it is. Graduation was one that was very hard for us. Chris, you would have graduated last month. Wow! To know that your oldest child was supposed to be the first to graduate in the family is a huge loss. Not only high school, he would have had a full year of college under his belt at just seventeen-years-old. He was so smart. He took the college entrance exams and scored second year on all of them except college algebra.

We were not able to attend a few invites this past month, because the pain of you not being able to join them in those accomplishments was very raw to us. You would have and could have been anything and everything. We will never see any of our firsts with you. Some individuals were very understanding and others were not. We decided as a family what was best for us, and we chose not to go. We chose to bask in our memories and pray for those that are moving on. We got a few not so nice comments, but we cannot hold grudges as they only slow us down. Some people tell us to get over it, some people try to tell us they know we are hurting but they cannot, not unless their child took his/her life without rhyme or reason. They will never get the gist of our pain and grief. Shame on them for thinking they can. We will emerge victorious, we know this. This is encrypted in us. We are conquerors in Christ who has given us all things. Our faith is strong, and His grace is amazing. This does not mean we ache any less, it just means we are learning to lean strongly in God’s arms as we miss our son.

Chris, I think the worst for me was trying to bring you back and make you better. It is a misery to know NOTHING you do, no matter how hard you pray or try, nothing will bring you back. The day you shot yourself was the worst of the days, knowing we prayed and begged for hours for God to bring you back. It was such a day that I wish not to ever go back to, BUT it is carved with in my heart always. It is not there to scar me but to remind me of what other moms and dads might face with their children. It is to remind me to be available, to support and love, to KNOW what it is like and to NEVER judge another human being again. I am also reminded to sit and be still, to hear in my heart what is and what is to come. I will rely and trust on HIM and never take another thing for granted again with my children. In your death, son, I have become STRONG, COURAGEOUS and FREE. I will never be put in a box again. I will never allow myself to be controlled again. I will stand in the faith and hope of our Father God and live for him. I will not seek after man, but after Him and Him alone. I will NOT let poison destroy me, ever. I will remove people from my life who hinder my growth, and I will embrace the ones that are unlovable in prayer. In your death, Chris, I am commissioned to live; to live my life like tomorrow will never come. Thank you, son, for the chance to take you in and love you and remember you as my oldest son. You are and always will be a treasure to me. I miss you. I am forever yours, and you will remain in my heart always. Love, Your Mom

Chris’s family has created a website devoted to his life - Memory of Christopher Michael Wilkinson. As the five year anniversary has approached many of the memories of Chris’s death have become fresh and raw again. Please click on the link and offer a message of support to his family or to light a candle in his honor. We at W-P are so proud of Chelle and the amazing strength she has shown this past five years. Our hearts continue to ache with her and with her family as they continue to miss their son, brother and friend.