A Year of Tears, A Mom’s Strength


Five years ago this month, the Womens-Place community mourned with Chelle and Tim as they tragically lost their son, Christopher. Chris was only 16-years-old at the time, and his death left a mark on the hearts of hundreds and hundreds of individuals, many of whom he had never even met.

(This was written 5 years ago today) On the first anniversary of his loss, his mom Chelle bravely opens up with all of us and shares some of her very deep thoughts and emotions.

I do not think I can understand where the time has gone. My mind has been literally shut down for months. I cope with what must be coped with, because it involves my family. Chris, I miss you so much and will never understand the “why” of it all. Each breath I take is a bit better than the last, but oh, how I miss you. I miss your laugh and your smile. I crave the sound of your voice, to hear you once again would be a treasure.

I find myself currently in a little funk of sadness. I am not sad like I was months ago, but with an inner sadness that is almost a healing sadness. Knowing that I will never see Chris again is a deep inner pain, and no emotion I have is enough to express it. My mind is constantly searching for some measure of emotion that will satisfy the pain I am feeling. It is always stirring like waves crashing on the beach. If I am not proactive, erosion will happen, so I am constantly doing something to make sure I keep my emotional beach intact. I have not yet found what I am looking for, and I may never find it. In fact I know I will never find it. It is the craziest thing to know there are no answers for what has happened, but as humans we still search for that one thing that may change our whole outlook. I am finding I am not very predictable, in fact I hate being predictable, which is why I am fighting to live and to bring justice to my son’s death thereby exposing the lies of suicide.

I wish I could have been more for you, Chris. I wish I could have been all that you needed. I did my best, and I do not blame myself. I feel for the people who misled you, and I pray for their souls. I cannot understand to this day why these people did what they did. You too made a choice, son, a choice to die and leave us. I understand why, I just will never really KNOW why. I do not think for a moment you wanted to die. Your family misses you, and I am sure you have had glimpses of our sadness. I know you are with God the Father, but it does not change the fact that it hurts so much that you are gone. We are fighting the tough fight and will bring light to the darkness with our strength and our hope in the Lord!

Losing a child like we did is a horrendous sick feeling that steals your hopes and dreams. No one can fathom the loss we feel if they have not lost a child to suicide. It is a terrible way to lose your child. People we were previously close to have taken on a whole new persona, and it is the strangest feeling. Chris, I think you would be shocked at who is left in our lives. Some of our close friends are now a distant memory, as they do not understand how or why we have changed. We have every right to have changed and be a mess, and I am sure I am different now but some cannot see why.

We are coming up on some firsts that Chris would be doing right now, and some do not understand how hard it is. Graduation was one that was very hard for us. Chris, you would have graduated last month. Wow! To know that your oldest child was supposed to be the first to graduate in the family is a huge loss. Not only high school, he would have had a full year of college under his belt at just seventeen-years-old. He was so smart. He took the college entrance exams and scored second year on all of them except college algebra.

We were not able to attend a few invites this past month, because the pain of you not being able to join them in those accomplishments was very raw to us. You would have and could have been anything and everything. We will never see any of our firsts with you. Some individuals were very understanding and others were not. We decided as a family what was best for us, and we chose not to go. We chose to bask in our memories and pray for those that are moving on. We got a few not so nice comments, but we cannot hold grudges as they only slow us down. Some people tell us to get over it, some people try to tell us they know we are hurting but they cannot, not unless their child took his/her life without rhyme or reason. They will never get the gist of our pain and grief. Shame on them for thinking they can. We will emerge victorious, we know this. This is encrypted in us. We are conquerors in Christ who has given us all things. Our faith is strong, and His grace is amazing. This does not mean we ache any less, it just means we are learning to lean strongly in God’s arms as we miss our son.

Chris, I think the worst for me was trying to bring you back and make you better. It is a misery to know NOTHING you do, no matter how hard you pray or try, nothing will bring you back. The day you shot yourself was the worst of the days, knowing we prayed and begged for hours for God to bring you back. It was such a day that I wish not to ever go back to, BUT it is carved with in my heart always. It is not there to scar me but to remind me of what other moms and dads might face with their children. It is to remind me to be available, to support and love, to KNOW what it is like and to NEVER judge another human being again. I am also reminded to sit and be still, to hear in my heart what is and what is to come. I will rely and trust on HIM and never take another thing for granted again with my children. In your death, son, I have become STRONG, COURAGEOUS and FREE. I will never be put in a box again. I will never allow myself to be controlled again. I will stand in the faith and hope of our Father God and live for him. I will not seek after man, but after Him and Him alone. I will NOT let poison destroy me, ever. I will remove people from my life who hinder my growth, and I will embrace the ones that are unlovable in prayer. In your death, Chris, I am commissioned to live; to live my life like tomorrow will never come. Thank you, son, for the chance to take you in and love you and remember you as my oldest son. You are and always will be a treasure to me. I miss you. I am forever yours, and you will remain in my heart always. Love, Your Mom

Chris’s family has created a website devoted to his life - Memory of Christopher Michael Wilkinson. As the five year anniversary has approached many of the memories of Chris’s death have become fresh and raw again. Please click on the link and offer a message of support to his family or to light a candle in his honor. We at W-P are so proud of Chelle and the amazing strength she has shown this past five years. Our hearts continue to ache with her and with her family as they continue to miss their son, brother and friend.

Let Me Introduce You

I sit here tonight just reflecting on life in the past few years that Womens-Place has been up and running.  I think about how many women have been a part of our home on the web.  I remember when I first got the notion to start W-P.  My husband was so supportive.  He help me from the get go.  He knew I was very passionate about creating a place for women to just come and have a place to be who they needed to be.  With the help of a wonderful editorial team which you can read about on the blog under About W-P Admins and W-P: A Story About Us. These two links will let you know how we came to be.  Please visit them and read about some of the amazing women who have blessed my life beyond my wildest dreams!

I think what I want to convey, is the depth of the relationships I have formed at W-P.  Even though it is the “web” relationships are birth and we have formed bonds stronger than some in real life friendships.   Some of these friendships have led some of us to get together in real life and spend days together more than once.  Not just the women but our whole families.  Our web site has formed strong bonds that I am thankful for.

In times of tragedy my website reached out to me when my son died 5 years ago in May, at the age of sixteen.  They went above and beyond to carry me and my family for a long time.  They took over the website and ran it until I could emotionally handle the load again. Not only do they reach out in the time of devastation…but also in the time in joy!  This just does not apply to me but to our whole community. It is like when one of us is hurting we all hurt. When one is rejoicing we all rejoice.

Womens-Place has been also able to help other women by raising money to help moms go back to school.  We have raised money within our own community and then gave a scholarship to a woman in need.  We take pride in making sure that our site is doing something to help other women make a mark in their part of the world!  It is important to make a mark in the world!  What better way than to help someone reach for her dream!

If you have not checked us out or spent much time on W-P, I encourage you to join us and let us leave a mark on your heart.  You will not regret it.

I am thankful to all the women who have touch my life in many ways. I can never thank you all enough. I was reading through some older posts and was sitting there with tears in my eyes as I read them.    This is what prompted me to write this blog tonight.

I would like to leave you with the following quote below:

He has taken his bright candle into another room I cannot find, but anyone can tell where he has been by all the little lights he left behind.”

Unknown

Real Imagination!

Sometimes I sit and wonder with amazement watching my children as they embark on different journeys they take on in everyday life.  The other day all of my kids were in our one room with 15 or so cardboard boxes. Crayons, scissors and markers were pulled out and creations began to unfold. This went on for hours. No fighting, no nothing but pure fun and total bliss. They were basking in the joy of each others company and their siblings art. They made so many great things. No cares or worries.

As I moved to another room I just reflected on how fast that they grow. How wonderful life is with knowing that I see my children happy. Yes, there are times where they have moments where they struggle, where they have illnesses, disabilities and with my eclectic group, different diseases, but that is what makes my family what it is. My family is strong. We have gone through so much as a family it bonds us better than any super glue you can imagine!  There are times where I need to step away and stick myself in time out as I have moments of Eeeks…lol  Nothing is ever going to be perfect, you just cannot have that, that is fake imagination. Unlike what I saw with my children and the boxes.  That was real.

To realize that everyone of my kids have a part of Tim and I in them, excites me. My kids are who they are because of who Tim and I are.

So give yourself a pat on the back today…your kids are little you’s, lol the good and the bad and well…the…(I will let you fill in the rest)

28 Mar 2010, 9:19pm
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by Chelle

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Fear of Puzzles? Eeeks!

Umm…yes, it is true, I have a fear of puzzles as sad as it sounds it is a fact. I hate them. While on our little get away we walked into the game room and there I was faced with a 1000 piece puzzle that someone had nicely put the frame together minus 4 pieces.  I walked past it and was icking (yes I know that is not a word) as I walked into our room.  Tim happen to ask me if I liked puzzles and I went on a rant about how I hated them. I told them why in the world would anyone spend hours trying to fit little pieces of cut up card board together just to make the original picture again…when if you love the cute picture and you can just go out and buy it as a whole PIECE!

So, Tim and I go out, we come back and the 4 little pieces that were missing were kind of bugging me…why in the world would one just stop there? So here I am talking to my self…Tim watching me as I start freaking out shaking looking through massive amounts of puzzle pieces for frame pieces.  It gets worse. Did you know that you can force pieces of puzzle to fit together if you really want to? I mean I was on a roll.  I had made several matches, all to my surprise that did not fit. I look over and Tim has got a massive amount of this puzzle together, so I go over and see what he needs and I find my calling in this puzzle freaking addiction. I can look at the picture of the puzzle…look at the pieces and I can actually find what he needs in seconds and before you know it this puzzle is moving along.  Still talking to my self the whole time…shaking the whole time calling out to the fishy pieces I needed to complete the part I decided to find, I was in hysterical belly laughing for a good 15 minutes.  Every now and then Tim would reassure me I was okay and smile…then I saw that the barrel he had put together NEEDED to be connected to the frame of the puzzle before we quit. I was NOT going to let just sit there alone not connected.  Mind you, I hate and still hate puzzles. I do not like the control they have over you.  You get caught up and find your self talking to your self…they make you think to hard to the point where you feel like you like your head will explode, they make you nuts.  So on another tangent of irrational out of my mind talking, looking at cardboard pieces I go. The scariest thing to me was when I looked at the table and knew what I need amongst at least 800 pieces I zoned right in on that one piece that would connect the basket…I looked at Tim and said that was it…picked it up and it was it! At that moment I was scared and said I am done. I walked away think NO WAY…not happening. I am not going to like puzzles…they have this odd power of sucking you in and taking a hold of you.  It was just all wrong.

I actually looked up to see if there was a real phobia for this and I could not find a phobia term.  So maybe one day I can start slow with maybe a big floor size Barbie puzzle or something easy like that.  Something with less pieces and bigger? Maybe this will help me.  For now I am just going to stick with the computer, blogging and FB…

No rest for the weary…

When nature calls…one must stop time to go with timing!  Tim and I have adopted 8 children. We are trying to make a baby and our ovulation predictor test said it is time!  After thirteen miscarriages, we are ready and covet your prayers to see our dreams and prayers come to past.  11 years of marriage it is time! So, this blog entry must be short as I have some things to tend too! Wish us luck! We will keep you posted on the out come!

Thankful for my children…

I just wanted to express how thankful I am for my children.  There are so many times as parents we go day to day doing the daily things we do with out thought to our schedules.  Some days seem busier than others and some we might have a few more minutes to sit and take in an extra cup of coffee or an extra minute on the computer.

I think there are so many more minutes in MY day when I can actually engage my children in conversation or a game or even a fun walk outside.  I know in my situation with eight children and extra house guests, tutoring, sports, going to the gym, medical issues with some of my children, medical issues with my mom whom we care for, medical issues with my self there are many days I can say…I cannot do it.  I NEED to be here for my children. What will my children remember when I am gone?  I want to not just leave the a heritage of materialistic items, I want to leave them a heritage that lasts in their hearts and minds. Something that will stay with them forever.  Today as I am preparing for Reignah Joy’s 6th birthday she smiles at me and the hugs me and said today is the day you were my mommy! I said nope today was the day you were my Reignah Joy. That statement wrecked me in a great way.  I love spending time with my children. I love seeing them smile, laugh and scream and going nuts when I pull in the drive way.  I want to make memories. Take every moment I can find and make sure my children know how much I WANT to be around them and let them know that they are NOT a bother. So, I guess the challenge today is find a few more minutes in your crazy schedule above and beyond what you do now and start creating more memories that are going to be told over and over because they will be stored in their hearts and soul until the end of time…

17 Mar 2010, 8:33pm
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by Chelle

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Walking in love?

I here this all the time and to me I know what it means. To me walking in love is being able to love someone at a time when they are being difficult to love. Maybe even when they may have said or done something to cause you, a person you may love harm or something that is just not normal for that person you really know.  Today I was recalling somethings in my heart in some quiet time that I had. ( yes, I get some, lol)  I knew in my heart that that I hold no grudges at all. I just wonder at times about their well being.  How they are. Hoping that joy has come in their lives. I realized that when I pray for my needs, wants, good thoughts that I include them in all of that. What I decided for me about walking in love is how I want to be treated and talked to is how I need to give out.  Not just words and actions but also in looks. Facial expressions are so misread.  I decided to look in the mirror…reading a lyric from a song I wrote and I watched a my facial expression and it was soft and beautiful and full of passion. It meant something to me. I wrote it.  I connected with it.  Then I read a lyric from the back of a Taylor Swift CD, I did not see the same expression as before.  I did not connect. Why?  Well, I came to my conclusion…I was not familiar with it, it was not something I knew. I was uncomfortable even though I was alone by myself and I can sing.  Now putting this all in to my theory of walking in love…if we just take a chance even in uncomfortable situations and step outside our comfort zone and embrace situations that may be unlovely…maybe they could be lovely?  What if those who are being unlovely and challenging have been hurt by love… therefore needs a strong love to help heal the love lacking?  What if one of us is that strong person that is able walk in love and reach out and watch facial expressions not from ourselves but from others and actions and see who are the ones in need of a magical touch. Might you be the one?  Will you take the challenge?

7 Mar 2010, 3:49pm
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by Chelle

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Sunday run…

I am about to jump on the treadmill for a run. Running has always been a passion of mine. Since my weight loss I decided to give it a whirl and am so in love with the freedom I feel with it.  Making the time has been hard not because I lack time. I am finding that if you really want to do something you WILL do it. There is always a to make things happen. Commitment is just one of those things we all need to work at harder. Not just in an exercise plan but in life… relationships.  I encourage you to reach with in your self and challenge your self to reach for something you want…one step at a time.